COOKIE CUTTER
C is for cookie. V is for the void in my life. This message brought to you by the
number 2. The number of cuts on each wrist.

I'M MY OWN WINGMAN
I’ve never needed a wingman. If I want the fat chick to leave me alone with her hot friend I just throw some Twinkies on the ground.

I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE
WITH MIDGETS
Q: How many midgets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Midgets don’t use light bulbs. They have night vision.

HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS CHRIST
AS YOUR PERSONAL TRAINER?
"Look, it was cute the first 20 times, but could you please stop turning my Gatorade into wine?"

DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE
GET ME A BEER
Once you’ve done that you can go back to grad school. Just kidding. Get me another fucking beer.

SWALLOW OR IT'S GOING IN YOUR EYE
It’s unfair to make you choose one or the other. My loads are so big you can swallow a pint and there’ll be plenty left for your eyes.

I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
It's time to sit down and declare your support for single moms. Won't you lend a lap?

WORDS ON A SHIRT
"We need to get these mutha fuckin’ words off my mutha fuckin’ shirt!"

IF I HAVE TO FIND JESUS
DOES THAT MEAN HE'S HIDING?
"Come out, come out, wherever you are... oh, you’re on the cross again. Damn it Jesus, you suck at hide and seek."

FUCKING CLASSY
They say money doesn’t buy class, but they’re dead wrong. One look at my Dale Earnhardt shower curtain and Victorian style meth tub proves it.

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS
IT'S NOT NICE TO PICK ON RETARDS
Can you blame Mexicans for border jumping? If you peeked over a fence and noticed that even retards can get rich you'd do the same.

THIS SHIRT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...
AND NEITHER DOES THIS APPLE
This reminds me of the time Walter Cronkite shaved my balls while my gerbil said the alphabet backward. Then again, everything reminds me of that.

I'M THE ONE YOU GOTTA BLOW
TO GET A DRINK AROUND HERE
You know what? I'm a pretty generous person. I'll go ahead and get you two drinks. Three if you promise not to call.

BAAAAAA MEANS NOOOOO!
You always hurt the one ewe that you love, unless you use ewes that use lube.

IF A FAT GIRL FALLS IN THE WOODS
DO THE TREES LAUGH?
Life is filled with existential quandaries. Like "Who let the dogs out?" and "Where’s the beef?" And "Why does my wife stay in an abusive relationship?"

WHO NEEDS BIG TITS?
WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS
I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut. I never saw you, but you violated me, you bastard jellyfish.

CANADIANS ARE EH'HOLES
Let’s see... A joke about Canadians... geez, I’ve got nothing. This is like trying to make fun of a tree or a river. Call me when we add a retard shirt.

WHITE FLOUR!
"Nuthin' says lovin' like being shoved in an oven!" He got poked in the stomach one too many times, which is exactly how Hitler got started.

pMP
"Bitch betta’ have my money! And she betta’ remember to factor in the costs of condoms and multiply by .2 to figure out her cut."

I (HEART) TRANSITIVE
PICTOGRAPH VERBALIZATIONS
In addition to that, I also (beet) my wife, (bone) my secretary, (club) retards and (whatever represents neglect) my kids.

HOPELESS ROMANTIC
SEEKS FILTHY WHORE
And if the hopeless romantic's search is successful, he will soon after begin his search for ointments, antibiotics and a rare shampoo that comes with a very little comb.

IF I HAD BALLS THEY WOULD BE BIGGER THAN YOURS
At first glance this appears to be a "girls only" shirt, but don’t forget about the Eunuchs (like God did).

THOUSANDS OF MY POTENTIAL CHILDREN DIED ON YOUR
DAUGHTER'S FACE LAST NIGHT
It’s good to let your kids experience new things. I usually just let them play in my socks or swim in my toilet.

I BET YOU'LL VOTE NEXT TIME HIPPIE
Did you vote with the majority...and stay home? Nice going.

...AS A KITE
"Dude, this weed is awesome. I'm stoned as a kite. Wait...what was I saying? Anyway, what if hats wore YOU?"

I KNOW VIOLENCE ISN'T THE ANSWER
I GOT IT WRONG ON PURPOSE
"Cut off your head and shit down your throat. I'm sorry, Alex. WHAT IS cut off your head and shit down your throat?"

REMINDER: BUY MORE BEER
(MIRROR WRITING)
This is not just a shirt: it's also a handy reminder, every time you look in the mirror, of your number 1 priority for the day.

STOP CLUBBING BABY SEALS
They never buy a round, they dance too close, and their breath smells of herring.

GO LOCAL SPORTS TEAM
AND/OR COLLEGE!
Show your support for your favorite overpaid athlete and/or subpar student!

... 'TIL SUNRISE DO US PART
"First you want me to bring you back to my place, then you want a ride to the parking garage to get your car. Stop smothering me!"

I TAUGHT YOUR BOYFRIEND
THAT THING YOU LIKE
In return, he taught me long division.

I TAUGHT YOUR GIRLFRIEND
THAT THING YOU LIKE
In return, she taught me the Lambada; even though it is... forbidden.

ABRACADABRA!...
FUCK, YOU'RE STILL UGLY
Well, that didn’t work. I guess I’ll have to saw you in half. Who said anything about
a trick?

THIS SHIRT IS ONLY BLUE WHEN
I'M THINKING ABOUT DWARVES
If a dwarf buys this shirt, I’m sorry to say that this shirt will simply burst into flame immediately after you put it on. I’m kidding. We don’t sell to dwarves.

FUCK THE COLORBLIND
Roses are red, violets are blue: that's true for me, but not for you! Just one more way to taunt the visually challenged.

YOU CAN'T HAVE MANSLAUGHTER WITHOUT LAUGHTER
Laughter is the best medicine. That is, next to any sort of actual medicine.

IS IT STONED OUT OF ITS FUCKING
MIND IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME?
I smoke it for health reasons. Not MY health, my wife’s. It keeps me from beating her.

I'M HUGE IN JAPAN
And China...and Korea..and Thailand and...
You'll have to ask Bill Murray what the Japanese letters mean (hint hint: big dick).

HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I used these exact words when I saw my priest fucking a pile of shit. And then I said "That’ll be 20 bucks."

YOU DISCUSSED ME
This is how misunderstandings occur. I say one thing, she hears another. For the last time Sheila, I said 'ranch dressing,' not 'filthy cunt.'

STOP MIDGET ON MIDGET CRIME
There are no small crimes, only small criminals.

IF I WASN'T ME - I'D FUCK ME
(UNLESS I WAS FAT)
If I were you and you were me, I'd take my...I mean your...wait...whatever. I just know we'd both be dead and covered in yogurt.

NY DOESN'T LOVE YOU
It's true, New York City is the greatest city in the world. Do you know why? It's because you're not in it.

SAVE GAS - RIDE THE HANDICAPPED
Solar energy and ethanol have been harder to come by than we expected. It’s time we tap in to the power of the gimp.

SUPPORT MY TROOPS
And I'm not talking about some empty gesture like buying a ribbon. I'm saying you better let them set up camp in one of three locations.

MY LIFE SUCKS, BUT THE
SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE AWESOME
And the best part is that there is absolutely no way there’s going to be a sequel.

WHATEVER DOESN'T KILL YOU
MAKE IT STRONGER
Or just do more of it. It’s like getting stabbed with a butter-knife by a midget.
It may take a while, but eventually
it’ll get the job done.

SUPPORT THE FINE ARTS
SHOOT A RAPPER
I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop
the rock it to the bang bang bang! bang...

YOU'LL REGRET READING THIS SHIRT WHEN THE SKETCH ARTIST ASKS YOU TO DESCRIBE MY FACE
Being an artist is first and foremost about feeling free to create. Creating something that others have not expressed before or have expressed in a different way.

I'LL BE USING THESE
TO MY ADVANTAGE
The Maidenform company was founded in 1922, starting the convention of naming cup sizes A through D.

IF THIS IS ON YOUR FLOOR TOMORROW... WE TOTALLY FUCKED
(now go make me some breakfast, bitch)
Make fucking an important part of your balanced breakfast. Stick milk, juice, toast, cereal, and a grapefruit up your ass.

I ONLY SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE
IF BOTH CHICKS ARE HOT
There's nothing hotter than two chicks making out, unless it's two chicks making out while they're on fire.

TOOL - NOT THE BAND
I'M JUST A TOOL
I’m glad you can finally admit it. Now you can finally start your side-project, A Perfect Circle Jerk.

SAUSAGE FEST
People think Jesus was gay because he hung out with 12 guys, but if the man can turn water into wine I’m sure he can turn cock into pussy.

BARRY TAKES IT IN THE ASS
"Oh, so it’s not a big deal when Mark McGwire does it, but now that it’s a black player it’s a problem?" Exactly. It’s just like rape.

LADIES DON'T SPIT
The rules of etiquette clearly state that a lady keeps her elbows off the table. Oh, and she has to pay for half of the abortion.

XENU IS MY HOMEBOY
Once a nigga scrapes off your body thetans, that nigga’s down fo’ life.

IN CASE OF FIRE LOOK ON BACK-
I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE DUMBASS
The shirt, the shirt, the shirt is on fire! I don't need no water let the mother fucker burn. OK, a little water would be nice.

TOM IS MY ONLY FRIEND
The rest of my top 8 is a mixture of alcohol, anti-depressants and internet porn.

CHILD PREDATOR
Everyone hates child predators, but have you ever considered the fact that they wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for all these fucking kids running around?

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly
n33d t0 g37 l41d
And cybering doesn't count. And you can stop saving yourself for Lara Croft.

COULD YOU COME BACK
IN A FEW BEERS?
What you might call skunked beer due to lack of knowledge could be a tasty German-style Pilsner to another. Or it could be piss.

FUCK RED BULL
RIDE THE WHITE PONY
Side-effects of cocaine use include: increased blood pressure, decreased appetite and parents that won’t get off
my fucking back.

YOUR SISTER IS HOT BUT YOUR MOM DOES THAT THING WITH HER TONGUE
Cooked tongue is lean, meaty, and quite versatile; it works well in sandwiches, tacos, assholes, and casseroles.

999 - EVIL WHEN I DO HANDSTANDS
That’s why I do handstands at funerals. Otherwise my erection just doesn’t seem justified.

MEDIUM PIMPIN'
Fo' real it don't get no mo' medium man.
Don't trip, let's flip, gettin throwed on the flip. Gettin blowed with the motherfuckin Jigga Man, fool.

P
ME
Hookers charge $20 extra for that. It’s funny how she told me that like I had planned on paying in the first place.

SWALLOWS
Takeru Kobayashi holds the world record for hot dog consumption at 50 and 1/2 dogs in 12 minutes. He also enjoys fisting, and long walks on the beach.

WE MIGHT SUCK AT SOCCER
BUT AT LEAST OUR BABIES
AREN'T STARVING
You beat us at soccer? Well guess what you dirty foreigner. I didn’t even know it was happening.

I'M JUST IN IT FOR THE PARKING
But let's be honest, those giant bathroom stalls are pretty sweet, too. I wonder how come they don't have giant urinals?

I SHAVED MY BALLS FOR THIS?
No more owchies from getting a hair stuck to a pantyliner. *blush* No more stray curly hairs peeking out from revealing clothing or bathing suits.

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
(for a KLONDIKE bar?)
My 15 year old Christian daughter is very angry with God. She needs prayer for all her anger against God. Please pray for her & send ice cream.

BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL - "BLACK" IS
THE NAME OF MY HUGE WHITE COCK
And the similarities between my cock and black people don’t end there. My cock also likes fat white women and is a great dancer. Oh, and it’s poor.

I TAKE THE "THE" OUT OF PSYCHOTHERAPIST
A shirt made specifically for all the psycho rapists out there. Which excludes me, because I'm a level-headed, rational rapist.

I PUT THE "SEXY" IN DYSLEXIA
Tihs oen gsoe uot ot lal hte sexy dyslexics.
Fianlyl a sthirt amde ujst orf uyo.

PREGUNTAME LO QUE DICE
ESTA PLAYERA
(Ask me what this shirt says)
A latino submitted this shirt idea and we only had to pay him 25% of what we usually pay the winners.

I (HEART) JESUS AND FRENCH FRIES
I'm caught in a love triangle. They're both special in their own way, but until Jesus comes with a drive-thru window I'm gonna have to go with the fries. Besides, you can't biggie-size Jesus's love.

I STOLE THIS SHIRT FROM A
HOMELESS GUY- WHY HE HAD A SHIRT THAT SAYS THIS, I'LL NEVER KNOW
Some say homeless people are looking for handouts. Some say they want jobs. That's why I say let's just give them all handjobs!

SO, I WALK INTO A BAR...
Joke - a rabbi, a priest and a naked Asian guy. Reality - Middle-aged businessmen and despair.